Scardy Cat

"Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed."
- Michael Pritchard

I never thought I was one that had more than one phobia or a fear of anything other than spiders. Good lord, how I dislike spiders. Today though I realized that when a needle is intending to inject something into my body, it gives me the hebbie-jeebies.

Sure, I have donated blood on more than one occasion, even though it makes me feel like I'm gonna die. But I have never felt like backing so far into the chair that I hope my skin and seat will meld together so perhaps the attendee can't find me. This is what I tried to make happen today though.

My doctor on previous visits had talked to me about having prenatal bloods done even though I am not pregnant or thinking about getting pregnant for the fact of finding out if I am already protected against Rubella or not. We established thru blood tests that no, I was not protected against this already which in turn would mean that my future fetus would not be as well and would have to get a shot. Sadly, on my last visit though when I was going to get the shot, I had to inform him that my last period had been no where in sight (due to hormones, weight-loss or whatever the reason). This set in motion my lovely outing to St. Josephs to have some more bloods done as well as a pregnancy test to make sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was not with fetus and therefore would not infect such fetus when I got the shot (side note: to get bloods done at St. Joe's, you do have to have an appointment. Sussex you do not (where i usually go). I was not aware of this fact). Sounds complicated doesn't it? Last week the results came back that I in fact, am not with child and could come in to get the Rubella shot and the appointment was made for today. 

Usually my visits with Dave are stress free and the man always gives me loads of information that I am grateful to take. On this day though, armed with one needle I was a little nervous but held it together even after watching him fill it from two jars and then sit it in front me. One good slap to the arm and it was over within seconds. That is until...he asked me when the last time I had my tetanus shot. I'm glad the man is on the ball but I just made it thru one without becoming half human/half chair, now another?

After some chit-chat he informs me that not only will this next injection, if I choose to take it, protect me against tetanus but also has a booster in it to protect against Pertussis (whooping cough). Boy oh boy is my future fetus in for a treat! It's two for one day at the doctor's office! Of course I'm gonna say yes, the man does know what he's talking about.

I swear that needle was over an inch and a half long and was intended to go into my muscle. On comes the nervous laughter and the plea for Dave to please smack my arm harder than before so I won't notice it. At the moment if I could just materialize thru the wall I would be up for trying anything. I know the needles for donating blood are larger than that but good lord. Its going in and putting something else in my body as well. How freakin' creepy.

All said and done I did survive my bargain vaccination outing with my doctor today. My arms are not sore because I was determined to not flex at all cost to avoid the pain later. I want to be able to work out so I can keep up with the work I've already done and also because of the other information I was supplied with today.

After arriving I was greeted by Sally with paperwork in hand. I guess for an MRI there is a large form of yes and no questions you need to answer before they book anything. Thankfully all of my answers were no, other than the section for tattoos, which worries me a little. I was surprised to be asked by Sally what my largest/widest measurement is now. Thankfully, where I am at now is the cut-off for the machine! Seriously?! If Dave had wanted to send me a few months ago to have this test done to see whats going on inside my head, I would not have been able to! Shocked much?

I've always been worried about not being able to do somethings due to the size that I'm at, but when I would not be able to receive treatment because of my state of health that is a little concerning. The majority of people with problems that require these types of test are probably overweight. While my test is for my head, what if you were a large person and had back pain but no one would be able to help you because the machine is not built for someone of your size? If anything, this experience today has just pushed me even further into my determination to lose all the weight.

Not only do I want to be healthy, happy and in good physical condition to be able to do the fun things in life, but I also want to be able to get the help I need, if and when I need it without having to be asked how what my measurements are because health professionals are worried I won't fit.

It's been the simple things, like oxygen flowing in and out of my lungs easier which propels me up a set of stairs faster and being able to slide on a shirt in a smaller size that I have been grateful for. Today though I am grateful that I am able get the help that I need. It's frightening enough wondering if somethings wrong. It would have been 100x worse if I would not be able to get those answers.

Thank you to Keith, my Aunt Av, the girls at the gym and my supportive family and friends. Most of all, thank you to myself for getting a grip on this situation and finally doing something about it. I deserve this...and so does everyone else thats struggling. It may not click for you today, but hopefully it all falls into place tomorrow or the day after. 

Keep on moving,

Gillian