"Achievement of your happiness is the only moral purpose of your life, and that happiness, not pain or mindless self-indulgence, is the proof of your moral integrity, since it is the proof and the result of your loyalty to the achievement of your values."
- Ayn Rand
I never thought the day would come that I would stand in front of my refrigerator debating if I should consume the fruit or the pudding cup. Sure, I'd already filled out my food journal saying that I was going to have a Kiwi but that pudding was yelling at me from the top self. Wouldn't it be selfish and irresponsible to ignore it?
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| Illustration by Natalie Dee |
I found my self trying to justify why I deserved the pudding cup over the kiwi, but at the same time the voice in my head was screaming "What about the fat?!", "What about the 90 calories you're about to consume?!", "Is this going to ruin the walk you went on this morning?". Needless to say, I snatched that pudding cup out of there faster than Mr. T debating if he needs a new gold chain.
Yesterday, I purchased Unbearable Lightness by Portia De Rossi (Ellen's wife) and only after a few short reads I'm already on page fifty-six. At the moment this seems like a feat for me because since reading Ian Kershaw's HITLER (which I didn't finish) while my Grandmother was in the hospital, nothing has been holding my attention.
Anyways, my point is that this book is about her struggles with weight and self acceptance. The start of the book is her portioning out her yogurt allotment for the day, then a half an hour later eating the weeks worth. The book is very well written (to this point) and while her issue was on the other side of the spectrum, I feel a little more content with myself in my current form. This is not to say that I'm going to blow my diet and my workout regime off and settle down in a corner and eat twelve tubs of Ben and Jerry's later until my fat kid heart is completely content. No. I understand that this is undesirable, that I need change but lately I've been making myself nuts wondering why this all didn't register earlier in life. Before things got so heavy.
My life is comprised of a matter of seconds, minutes, hours, days and months. I refuse to confine myself into a box where I never can reward, satisfy and squelch what I have accomplished and forever wonder if I'm getting most out of life.
Today I had a pudding cup. It is not the first, nor the last that I will have in my lifetime. But because I was able to have it, I have the knowledge that I will sooner or later (down the road) have another one again. Life is full of choices and usually I make the better choice. I understand though that there are better options and those are my foundations that I will now be continuing on with.
Life's too short to not quench the need once in awhile. Tomorrow I could get hit by a bus (what a dent that will be). Savor life's sweetness' if you have to, but get back on track and acknowledge where you've been, where you are and where you need to be. If it weren't for giving a little slack, ON OCCASION, the cable would break from the tension and I'd be stuck in a ditch.
I am no ditch donkey.
Gillian
