Rut

I'm feeling as though I'm in such a rut....or perhaps even a ditch. Life is just so confusing.

I went to school so I could get the job. But I'm finding all I really got was a mass amount of debt. The job I have is yes in my field but I'm being paid so poorly that I cannot tackle the debt.

To add a touch of insult to injury, where I work has now hired someone fresh out of high school that we are now training. Due to the little amount we do make this person must be making on par as us because if not there is no way she can afford to live. But then again maybe if she has no bills or doesn't eat.... Often if at all.

How is it that someone untrained, is being hired to do my job? I guess the first night of training did not go so well because there is a lack of understanding of programs and such ghat designers use (shocker) and the stress and frustrations from the person that had been the trainer of the trainee was needless to say frustrated and expressed these frustrations today... but I'm finding that I should help and spoon feed this poor person. Not only so they dont get canned but because my days are so busy it would be nice to have another set of hands to alleviate some pressure. Is there honestly no other trained professionals out there?

Also I'm sure my stress, depression and ever widening ass would like to be to get up and walk around once in awhile and eat often like I am suppose to. I am not joking that sometimes its so busy I don't register that my body is screaming at me that I need to go pee or need simple things like water or nourishment. I'm sure my kidneys are loving me these days for the length of time that I have to hold it and when I do get to go..I can't because I have to so badly. I'm sure you may be thinking "so get another job", to that I offer back, feel free to do a search for photography and graphic design jobs and see how many hits you get. 

The thing is ... Yes, others like myself are annoyed and frustrated that someone fresh out of high school is being hired to work along side us but the pissyness shouldn't be towards this poor person. They should have never been put in this situation. But honestly...really.

Besides my financial situation, my fat situation is getting me down. Before starting this job I was losing at a good rate but since... I'm on a perpetual standstill. I'm too tired, overworked, frustrated and pissed off now for a large segment of my life. The stress and depression are boxing me in to the fat corner and I can't get out. If I wasn't so fat, I'd be a hooker. At least then I'd be able to afford to pay off some of my student loans.

Keith says to use the bad emotions to fuel my workouts but honestly and truthfully I'm tired... Exhausted.

I did what I was suppose to. I went to school. I got educated. Then I got fucked. Those of us with student loans are enemy number one to the government. I feel like a criminal and like I've stolen food from a baby. While so many people get to have babies, get paid for it and make more than I do? (this is no lie...this is a honest fact).

Why didn't the guidance councilor tell the rest of us to have babies, not work and be taken care of by the rest of the working population?

I bet they sleep better at night.

Curryhmm?

My stomach is in knots this morning as well as tee IRS. While he had had a jerk chicken burger last night on date night I code a vegetarian curry with tofu.
So whats up tummies?
I also had the largest of the large brain farts this week. Last Friday nela had someone at the counter so I thought I'd call in later to make appointment... Forgot!
Thankfully I'm on vacation this week so I'll have to go in by mid week.
Lesson : wait to book!

Burnt Toast

“The decisions that we write off as momentary, insignificant, incidental, everyday encounters are exactly when we have a chance to define ourselves. To find beauty. To engage the world around us. To create memories.”
― Teri Hatcher, Burnt Toast: And Other Philosophies of Life 

Carbs, the only time they make me feel worse is when they're burnt.

I've been trying to eat when I get to work (an hour and a half early). This is partially to keep my home life happier on work mornings and keep Trevor from asking "Why are you always in a rush, get up earlier."

This morning was multigrain toast with peanut butter and a side berries and yogurt. I burnt that sucker so bad I could smell it at my desk. Nothing like eating hard discs to make you want to take a bite out of life first thing in the morning.

I did however have a  lovely non-fat caramel ice coffee though from Starbucks so all is right with the world.

It's nice enough out that I'll be able to go for my walk this morning/afternoon with Jocelyn. Always puts more of a pep in my step and honestly, easier to tackle the rest of my days work when are able to accomplish a half an hour walk at least around the uptown Saint John area. 

It needs to get done during work hours because tonight, I'll be spending the evening hours with Ethan while Trevor and Amanda go to see Spiderman. I'm not a big movie person (perhaps it has something to do with the short attention span. I want to walk around and talk damnit!), so its nice that they can have each other to go, sit and eat movie popcorn that is eating you from the inside out...it's the color of your fat...why do you want to eat that? 0_o

Anywhoodle doodles, much love!
 - Gillian

Organization

"First comes thought; then organization of that thought, into ideas and plans; then transformation of those plans into reality. The beginning, as you will observe, is in your imagination." - Napoleon Hill

Soup is made and put into containers.

Flyers have been sorted through and a plan of action for grocery shopping and meals for the week has been laid out and placed on my black board so not only I can see it but also it is in front of Trevor so he knows where to go. 

Trevor has been great over the last few weeks and has agreed to always have supper in the works at night, if not completed for when i get home at 630 now that my shift has gone a tad later than it had been a few weeks ago. I prefer to have my food in my gut before 7 and with the shift change it was proving difficult. 

This whole thing was so much easier when losing weight was my job. Now that I have another job (NewPapers) it has increased in difficulty. At the end of the day I am exhausted mentally and physically. What I would give for a slow pace job where people watch tv or play on the internet. I wonder what thats like. 

While my job is stressful and I am on most days consumed with the realization that I care too much while others chill out and lean on others to complete what needs to get done, I am glad that I am not depending solely on myself to find the work and then chase after people to pay me. Perhaps that will be the direction I go in again at some point but for right now..this is where I need to be. 

My energy level has been lacking but that is because honestly..the workouts are lacking. There are many days that I go for a walk at lunch time but I need to get back into the swing of things and throw some weight(s), other than my own, around at the gym. I had been going to the gym in the mornings but I find that I am losing sleep because I am constantly waiting for my alarm to go off. So perhaps moving to the nights again for awhile is the way to go. Anxiety...you are not welcome. 

When I had first started this weight loss journey over a year ago I had bought myself new shoes as a gift to me and a pat on the back for what I had accomplished at that date. So, this past week I went to sportcheck and picked out some new beauties that should get me excited again about being active.

The best part of these shoes is that they are a tad wider so I don't feel like I'm stuffing my feet into something too small and narrow for myself. Hopefully this will help with the comfort aspect of my weight loss. 

They are lovely and feel lovely so theres a tad more pep in my step. 

If only everything else in life fit as well as my shoes.

I've noticed now that I've been in weight loss limbo that Iaam once again starting to feel uncomfortable and bloated in my skin. I had lost this feeling for awhile when I has lost to much but perhaps now that the skin is catching back up and is fitting back into place remembering a smaller shape, this is what is making it less comfortable. This could be the sign to get it moving again.

As for the other important part of my life, the wedding has been booked and I will be getting married in Jamaica on the 19th of February surrounded by a small group of our family. Surprisingly enough Moncton is now making a direct flight available which is amazing and is one less thing to worry about. I enjoy the thought that the only thing left is the dress. We've upgraded ourselves so that we will have the privacy of the deluxe wing (LOVELY) with a jacuzzi on our private balcony and our family is also in luck in getting ocean view rooms. Now if I can only keep myself from not burning until the day of the wedding we will be set. 

I've been trying to research being over weight and running but there isn't much out there right now. The only thing I've found honestly is to slowly increase the time over a half an hour. Run walk walk run...seems like a bit of a no brainer but I find myself leery of running because honestly....jiggle jiggle. I understand that I need to not give a flip of what other people think when it comes to me and my health and the steps I'm taking towards it but who in their right mind isn't wondering what everyone else is seeing/thinking. You'd be a fool to ignore it or lie about it. People watch me just like I watched the crazy lady in the crazy pant suit outfit. o_0

I know I know...I need to suck it up buttercup. Keith is always telling me that I need to use the feelings I have towards pushing myself harder, faster and longer but its hard. 

It's hard being a girl, let along a fat girl. 

Bloated and moving. 

Gillian

Blister

Blister #2 of the summer has now been healed. What a pain in the Booty.
New shoes perhaps this week thanks to a sale sportcheck.
Fingers crossed that they are the correct width.

Take it when you can

I've been walking at work during my lunch break.
Two perks - I get out of work for an hour and I get my exercise. Thankfully Jocelyn is sweet enough to go with me so it makes it go even faster.
I've also been trying to set my alarm to remind me to eat every two hours.
Water consumption is also good. Whoop whoop.

Wedding also booked.

Down

Down three. Have a new food journal app that I enjoy. Also downloaded blogger for my iPad so updates may happen more frequently.
The workout DVD that I mentioned previously... Makes we feel a bit retarded and I think I'd have to be under the influence of something to really get in to it. Walking is where it's at at the moment. Back to gym as the mercury begins to rise.
Going to see travel agent today to book wedding details and such. The number of those invited is remaining low. We want to keep it uncomplicated and also understand that some may not be able to afford to go. But, in the end we are ok with that. We are doing this for us and it's our day. I'm not one for a church wedding.
I'm getting more excited as the days go by and after minting weight for what seems like forever I am losing again.
Skin is tighter and better off for it.

Keep your chin up,
Gill

Try

I've been slack.
I don't even have a quote started for this one, but...again trying to get back on track.
I now have the Tracy Anderson Metamorphosis workout which I will be trying to keep myself with for 90 days! One of my favorite people on Youtube whom is also overweight is doing it and even after 10 days is showing great results.
It's  8 months until the wedding.

Get er going Fat Girl.

Oh so sleepy

"Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life."

- Mark Twain

First day of getting up early to go to the gym before work. Done. Completed and now I'm sleepy. I felt pretty good at 5 in the morning only I was awake before 430. Unsure if that was the whole night before Christmas syndrome or if it was the strange dreams.

Anyways, day one is down and my clothes are laid out for tomorrow morning. Fingers crossed that I have more energy by the time the afternoon rolls around. Felt fantastic though to know it was over and I could come home and not have to worry about it.

Home tomorrow night to get rims for new tires and a haircut. I think I might nap on the way.

T'is good,

Gillian 

Something New

So after the last few weeks staying the same and being sick and then finally having my lungs feel as though they are only five more pounds this week. Once my weigh in on Saturday was over I apologized to myself and to Keith for the last few months being a little lack luster. I'm ready to get this ship sailing again.

Tonight was the first step towards that. While it was Lindsay's birthday party tonight I did not have cake. It's the little things that start to make the difference. With that said...another big thing that is going to happen is I am going to try to start getting up at five a.m. and which will end me up at the gym by 530 in the morning.

It will be nice to get back into the swing of things. I'm hoping so hard that this will light the fire under my ass. Finally being on a 9-530 is lovely in one way but frustrating in the other. By the time I get home I am just too tired. Gym in the morning hours before work were the way to go and now I am sure will be the way to go again. Fingers crossed it's as great as I am hoping.

One thing is for sure though. There will not be ladies standing around chatting instead of working. Machines for everyone!

Huzza,

Gillian

Lungs

"If you woke up breathing, congratulations!  You have another chance."

- Andrea Boydston

The sickness is finally coming to an end. While it began in my head it has ended in my chest. I find that I am still coughing a lot and now even walking from my car into work makes it hard.  My lungs feel as though they weigh 50 pounds and I often catch myself gasping to get more air in. Needless to say with how I'm feeling I haven't been to the gym. If walking makes me winded I could not even begin to think what it would have been like to try to do the elliptical or treadmill. 

Not being able to workout and the hunger that came on while being sick really freaks me the hell out when I think about getting weighed on Saturday at 12. We shall see I guess. You're not sick every week so I need to let it go, breathe deep and move on. Once this cold gets finished with me life will go back to normal.

I've heard that perhaps for the next month I will be continuing to build ads which means that I will be on the day shift so I will have to really get used to the working out at night and dealing with that. I'm alright with seeing the sunshine after work.

Tomorrow I am heading to get the blood tests that Dave wanted done to check my thyroid. Now that I'm almost 70 pounds lighter my situation on that front may have changed. Better to have it looked at so my energy level may change with out or with different levels.

Bubbles and hiccups,

Gillian

Closer....CLOSER

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal."

- Henry Ford

Weigh-in day! I lost more, yet again. Forgot to ask Keith for the exact number but I'm at my lowest for sure. Only another three pounds and I will be hitting the 70 pound mark. INSANE! Seems like such a huge number and while I feel different, look different it doesn't seem possible that that much weight has almost come off my frame. 

I did stop in to see Dara this morning and she said that she can really tell that I've lost and says that I look great. Thank ya Dara! I had to stop in to the office because like I said in my last post I think I did something to myself at the gym or I irritated it enough that when I moved something just enough the other day hell unleashed its numbing effects. I asked about the the Athletic Therapy and the Massage to see if she knows if its covered under Trev's plan. Unsure so I will check into it and see if I get a note from my doctor if it will make a difference. Would be nice if that is the case....if not its not expensive enough that I can't treat my body to it every month or so. 

I had been to see Tara Jackson before when I had first started trying to lose weight and she found that there was a bit of a disconnect between joints and a bone out of place that between the session and the exercises she gave me, seemed to take care of itself. If you are in pain...why not try it? Not going to lose anything (other than money) and you will gain a body that is just that much happier with you. 

Anywhoodles, I forgot to post on here the other day about my latest shopping adventure. The comfy pants that replaced my other fatter comfy pants were starting to sag...and need to be replaced. At Christmas Mom and Amanda had given me some gift cards for Penningtons (I now choose Penningtons because of the better customer service, friendly staff and more variety over Additionelle) but they had gone the last few months in my wallet until Mom gave me yet another one for my birthday.

Gift cards in hand I headed out to Penningtons to replace my pants that have earned their retirement over the last few months. Thankfully the jeans were on buy one get the other 50% off! Love a sale! With the two pairs of new pants in hand, I handed over the gift cards....I GOT 25 CENTS BACK! Whoop whoop. Was meant to buy a smaller size for a smaller convenient price. 

This is where the story goes a bit strange...They also had buy one bra get the other for $18 dollars. While I love my bras from Additionelle for the shape and fit I thought I'd try these in hopes they would be fabulous and I wouldn't have to step foot back into Additionelle for my bra needs. Unfortunately...they aren't built the same...AT ALL! 

Sizings are so funny from store to store. I had to go UP three/four sizes to get the bras to fit around then the C cup that I have been since middle school...my cup didn't runnith over and it wasn't filling. I quickly asked for a B...and my boob was still prepping with a parachute to jump out! How is that even possible?! I guarantee you...my boobs are not an A. 

While I left with two pairs of great jeans that make my bum look great...the bras just didn't work out. If you have larger breasts and have a hard time finding cup sizes that fit I recommend these to you, but for me. Not happening. I like the girls to be up and perky, not hiding in a large cave with an echo. 

This brought on another fat girl experience though that I find happens often now. I've written before about the strange phenomenon of my brain only registering me still as the heaviest I ever way. I felt good on the day that I went to get the pants. I put them on...congratulated myself on how I was looking and feeling being proud to be down another pant size but once I started to try on the bra that SHOULD have been my size and it was no where near closing my brain switch flipped. No longer was I the smaller version. I was back to the large scary version that made me cry day after day. It seemed within split seconds the second chin and LARGER than normal muffin top were back full force. It's amazing the tricks that your mind can play on you.  

If you're suffering from this as well...breathe and be okay with it. Tomorrow is a new day and it all seems to reset in the mornings. I'm sure for the rest of my life at certain moments my fatter self will show its ugly face but at the same time..perhaps this will serve as a reminder of where I was, where I've come and the fact that I never want to go back there. 

While fighting off my fat demons, I seem to be coming down with a cold of some sort. I woke with a sore throat, a runny nose and a dead degu. While the latter is the more horrible of the three, I am unable to do anything about it. She'll be buried on Saturday. For now...I'm going to go drink some more water and stretch my body out before I head to work for one. 

It'll be ok.

Tomorrows another day.

Gillian

Injury

"An injury is much sooner forgotten than an insult. " 

- Lord Chesterfield 

Not sure how or exactly when...but I think that I've hurt myself for the first time since I started my healthier lifestyle.

I remember earlier in the week that my hands seemed to hurt for some reason but now in my hips and the bottom of my back there is a bit of an ache/numbness. Unsure how to exactly explain it. I did not end up going to the gym tonight. Tomorrow I don't believe that the treadmill will be in order but I will try to just get on the eliptical for awhile to see if that helps.

I have tried stretching myself out but it doesn't seem to work and agitates it a bit more. Stretching now is one of my favorite things to do. Makes me feel like I am able to take in so much air and I am more conscious of my body, so to not enjoy it...sucks.

Heres hoping that it does not last long and I haven't done anything stupid to myself. Perhaps its a sleep issue? Sounds a tad lame but fingers and toes crossed. 

Spasm,

Gillian

Updateily-do!

"A man sooner or later discovers that he is the master-gardener of his soul, the director of his life."
- James Allen

Like always a new week brought on some new challenges. The shifts at work were changed for the second week in a row of me working during the day which was harder to switch to than I thought it would be. It was lovely though to get off work and actually see the sunlight and Trevor. 

Going to the gym during the evening presents the same challenges as the mornings do. Although I would have to say that everyone is more motivated to get what they need done faster and more efficiently in the morning hours. The evening hours brought more people that work out in chatty pairs or teens that are new to the gym enviroment. I know that there is a gym thing where you can ask people if they are done to move them along but when you're one asking multiples it becomes a little harder. One things for sure though, when I don't get to stretch like usual...I'm not a very happy panda.

I also noticed this week that the grays that I have were making yet another apparance and while I usually color my hair with semi-permanent color John Frieda has a new one out that is foam and I felt like I should give it a whirl. I always try to get everything even when I'm doing it at home but I will be the first to admit that sometimes my color jobs are less than perfect. 

 By the end of the foam color experience I felt like a chocolate cupcake and there was not a moment that I pondered if I had enough product or not to color my hair, which now is always on my mind now that my hair is getting longer. So, if you color at home and aren't looking for any crazy colors the John Frieda line may be for you. I myself will be turning to it next time I need to color. 

I was weighed on Saturday of this week again because of the hours that I was working. I am glad to say that I was down over a pound even though my feet were swollen as though I was pregnant when I went in to see Keith. Hopefully next week brings the same if not better results. This week was TOM and with him he brought a unicorn pimple centered in the middle of my forehead which I find frustrating to no end. By in large I am a lucky person and have never suffered from any acne or skin issues so I guess I should suck it up and deal with the occasional blemish that is thrown my way. 

All in all its been a good week and I hope this upcoming week is great.

Hope you all are healthy and happy.

The Majestic Unicorn,

Gillian

Beautiful.

“Food that's beautiful to look at seems to taste better than food that isn't.”

- Emeril

What was the last thing you ate that was beautiful?

Too many of us eat a diet that is primarily beige, white and brown based. We may not want to admit it, but its true.

Since starting to lose weight, the majority of my grocery shopping is on the outside rim. Very rarely do we now venture into the center isles.  If you take note of this...this is where all the color is! Stick to the rim.

While more and more people are catching onto this, so are the grocery store owners. If you go into Superstore not only do you have to contend with the junk food that is stored at the checkouts but now there is a whole entire wall of badness tempting those that love candy to come hither. 

While candy was never my big tempter I do not find that this wall screams as loudly at me as it may others BUT that said I am not going to try to psych myself out by walking down it every time I take a trip to the grocery. If you do your veggies and that is all thats needed. Go down the health food isle and grab one of the cashiers on that end. Problem-o solved peeps!

If there is no need, don't tempt yourself. While we are all capable of self control, give yourself a break and cut that part out of your day.

Spring is here.

While I am not bikini ready, I am more life ready.

Eat something beautiful.

Gillian

Change it up.

"All fixed set patterns are incapable of adaptability or pliability. The truth is outside of all fixed patterns. " - Bruce Lee

This morning wasn't a gym visit, it was an outside day. I found I had to talk myself into it and tell myself that yes it was okay to walk outside instead of going to the gym. While yes I am paying for the gym membership..not amount of money can get you the feeling of fresh air going into your lungs. All in all I got a good 45 minutes in. Made me feel great. 

This morning was also the first time that I've ever made Quinoa. I ended up cooking the organic quinoa for a longer time than the box requested. Thankfully the pots I own are glass tops so I am able to see that it needed longer. Even after 25 minutes it still seemed as though it was a tad damp but meh. Tastes great and after sitting out for a bit it seems to have dried a little more. So, quinoa and veggie salad has now been made for lunch and dinner. Yum. But keep in mind...more veg than quinoa.

After the quinoa test period, I did have to call Nela to change my appointment for this week. Thankfully, I am finally getting trained for ads at work but my schedule is fluctuating to my normal hour and then days that I get to work 9 til 530. 

It was such a change to get off work yesterday and still see the sunshine and actually get to spend more than an hour with Trevor. It was great to have dinner and then go together for a walk. I want more of that....I understand that others are used to working strange hours and thats the way their life functions but at some point you need to come to the conclusion that quality of life is important and honestly...we are newly engaged and enjoy each others company. I want more time with him and the sunshine. 

While I have been scheduled to learn another side of the job, things may be on the change again. There are things happening at work that they may have to shift everyone's work flow again to accommodate. So..the days may be coming to a swift end as well as having the weekends off. Pisses me off but for now I'll go with the punches, but there comes a point you can only take so much and want more. 

Change happens.

Sometimes good, sometimes bad.

Gillian