Dear Universe

Dear Universe,

Over a month ago I had the pleasure (and the fright), of doing something that many of us dream of, but never act upon. I quit my job.

I know that at the sight of those words that perhaps many of you had your pupils dilate and your blood pressure rise. Who would willing leave their job when the economy and the job market is so bad? Maybe you think I've lost my marbles and they are now sitting safely at the bottom of a storm drain. I assure you though that I am in one piece and that I am still whole. In truth, I am saner and more put together than I have been in over a year and a half.

While I have spoken a bit on here before about my job and the environment (not in great detail), I don't believe I have ever actually written the name of the company of whom I was employed with and even now that I no longer work for them, I will not be. It does not matter in the grand scheme of things.

Quitting was something that I had thought about many times, that Trevor told me to do many times, that others I worked with wished to do themselves. But it wasn't until the week after we arrived back from the wedding that I grew a set and did what was best for me and my family. Some people will think that it is because I am now married that I was able to leave. It is not that. Trevor has always been the fighting force behind me and the support that actually kept me going back to the hole in which I worked. I did it for us, for our life and my health. But the stark reality that hit me was that it was hurting us. The only time we fought was about the companies going-ons and what myself and the other employees were putting up with. Now, there is none of that.

I won't lie and say that there isn't pressure or stress when leaving your job. There is and are. I have woken up at  night and during a few days thought "What have I done?!" Not because I wish I was still there or that I did the wrong thing, that is not it at all. The only worry I have is finding a job, but even in a jobless market, there are jobs. I did the right thing and we will come out the other side bettered because of this.

Yesterday I came across a quote that rang true and I found comfort in it.  

Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you or makes you happy. 

Since leaving on the first of March, I have been interviewed and told that I was a very close 2nd but they were going with someone that had history with the company. While I should have been disappointed in this...I'd rather be a close 2nd than the last in line. I have a second interview today, maybe it'll be the one, maybe it won't. While the jobs may not be popping up like a game of whack-a-mole, I will get a job. I will get happiness. For now it might not be directly in my field, but its still a job.

I have also started back with Keith at SFL and am back at the gym. While I have not lost the weight gained while working for the company, I will get there and I will go further than I did before. I have the control back. I have the say of how my life will be and turn out, and honestly...my life is fantastic.

Have Faith in yourself. Stick up for yourself. Or no one else will.

Gillian  

Side note - My blog is going to have a new look and I am working toward that now. 

While it may not look perfect at the moment, hopefully everything will be up and running shortly.

Rut

I'm feeling as though I'm in such a rut....or perhaps even a ditch. Life is just so confusing.

I went to school so I could get the job. But I'm finding all I really got was a mass amount of debt. The job I have is yes in my field but I'm being paid so poorly that I cannot tackle the debt.

To add a touch of insult to injury, where I work has now hired someone fresh out of high school that we are now training. Due to the little amount we do make this person must be making on par as us because if not there is no way she can afford to live. But then again maybe if she has no bills or doesn't eat.... Often if at all.

How is it that someone untrained, is being hired to do my job? I guess the first night of training did not go so well because there is a lack of understanding of programs and such ghat designers use (shocker) and the stress and frustrations from the person that had been the trainer of the trainee was needless to say frustrated and expressed these frustrations today... but I'm finding that I should help and spoon feed this poor person. Not only so they dont get canned but because my days are so busy it would be nice to have another set of hands to alleviate some pressure. Is there honestly no other trained professionals out there?

Also I'm sure my stress, depression and ever widening ass would like to be to get up and walk around once in awhile and eat often like I am suppose to. I am not joking that sometimes its so busy I don't register that my body is screaming at me that I need to go pee or need simple things like water or nourishment. I'm sure my kidneys are loving me these days for the length of time that I have to hold it and when I do get to go..I can't because I have to so badly. I'm sure you may be thinking "so get another job", to that I offer back, feel free to do a search for photography and graphic design jobs and see how many hits you get. 

The thing is ... Yes, others like myself are annoyed and frustrated that someone fresh out of high school is being hired to work along side us but the pissyness shouldn't be towards this poor person. They should have never been put in this situation. But honestly...really.

Besides my financial situation, my fat situation is getting me down. Before starting this job I was losing at a good rate but since... I'm on a perpetual standstill. I'm too tired, overworked, frustrated and pissed off now for a large segment of my life. The stress and depression are boxing me in to the fat corner and I can't get out. If I wasn't so fat, I'd be a hooker. At least then I'd be able to afford to pay off some of my student loans.

Keith says to use the bad emotions to fuel my workouts but honestly and truthfully I'm tired... Exhausted.

I did what I was suppose to. I went to school. I got educated. Then I got fucked. Those of us with student loans are enemy number one to the government. I feel like a criminal and like I've stolen food from a baby. While so many people get to have babies, get paid for it and make more than I do? (this is no lie...this is a honest fact).

Why didn't the guidance councilor tell the rest of us to have babies, not work and be taken care of by the rest of the working population?

I bet they sleep better at night.

Curryhmm?

My stomach is in knots this morning as well as tee IRS. While he had had a jerk chicken burger last night on date night I code a vegetarian curry with tofu.
So whats up tummies?
I also had the largest of the large brain farts this week. Last Friday nela had someone at the counter so I thought I'd call in later to make appointment... Forgot!
Thankfully I'm on vacation this week so I'll have to go in by mid week.
Lesson : wait to book!

Burnt Toast

“The decisions that we write off as momentary, insignificant, incidental, everyday encounters are exactly when we have a chance to define ourselves. To find beauty. To engage the world around us. To create memories.”
― Teri Hatcher, Burnt Toast: And Other Philosophies of Life 

Carbs, the only time they make me feel worse is when they're burnt.

I've been trying to eat when I get to work (an hour and a half early). This is partially to keep my home life happier on work mornings and keep Trevor from asking "Why are you always in a rush, get up earlier."

This morning was multigrain toast with peanut butter and a side berries and yogurt. I burnt that sucker so bad I could smell it at my desk. Nothing like eating hard discs to make you want to take a bite out of life first thing in the morning.

I did however have a  lovely non-fat caramel ice coffee though from Starbucks so all is right with the world.

It's nice enough out that I'll be able to go for my walk this morning/afternoon with Jocelyn. Always puts more of a pep in my step and honestly, easier to tackle the rest of my days work when are able to accomplish a half an hour walk at least around the uptown Saint John area. 

It needs to get done during work hours because tonight, I'll be spending the evening hours with Ethan while Trevor and Amanda go to see Spiderman. I'm not a big movie person (perhaps it has something to do with the short attention span. I want to walk around and talk damnit!), so its nice that they can have each other to go, sit and eat movie popcorn that is eating you from the inside out...it's the color of your fat...why do you want to eat that? 0_o

Anywhoodle doodles, much love!
 - Gillian

Organization

"First comes thought; then organization of that thought, into ideas and plans; then transformation of those plans into reality. The beginning, as you will observe, is in your imagination." - Napoleon Hill

Soup is made and put into containers.

Flyers have been sorted through and a plan of action for grocery shopping and meals for the week has been laid out and placed on my black board so not only I can see it but also it is in front of Trevor so he knows where to go. 

Trevor has been great over the last few weeks and has agreed to always have supper in the works at night, if not completed for when i get home at 630 now that my shift has gone a tad later than it had been a few weeks ago. I prefer to have my food in my gut before 7 and with the shift change it was proving difficult. 

This whole thing was so much easier when losing weight was my job. Now that I have another job (NewPapers) it has increased in difficulty. At the end of the day I am exhausted mentally and physically. What I would give for a slow pace job where people watch tv or play on the internet. I wonder what thats like. 

While my job is stressful and I am on most days consumed with the realization that I care too much while others chill out and lean on others to complete what needs to get done, I am glad that I am not depending solely on myself to find the work and then chase after people to pay me. Perhaps that will be the direction I go in again at some point but for right now..this is where I need to be. 

My energy level has been lacking but that is because honestly..the workouts are lacking. There are many days that I go for a walk at lunch time but I need to get back into the swing of things and throw some weight(s), other than my own, around at the gym. I had been going to the gym in the mornings but I find that I am losing sleep because I am constantly waiting for my alarm to go off. So perhaps moving to the nights again for awhile is the way to go. Anxiety...you are not welcome. 

When I had first started this weight loss journey over a year ago I had bought myself new shoes as a gift to me and a pat on the back for what I had accomplished at that date. So, this past week I went to sportcheck and picked out some new beauties that should get me excited again about being active.

The best part of these shoes is that they are a tad wider so I don't feel like I'm stuffing my feet into something too small and narrow for myself. Hopefully this will help with the comfort aspect of my weight loss. 

They are lovely and feel lovely so theres a tad more pep in my step. 

If only everything else in life fit as well as my shoes.

I've noticed now that I've been in weight loss limbo that Iaam once again starting to feel uncomfortable and bloated in my skin. I had lost this feeling for awhile when I has lost to much but perhaps now that the skin is catching back up and is fitting back into place remembering a smaller shape, this is what is making it less comfortable. This could be the sign to get it moving again.

As for the other important part of my life, the wedding has been booked and I will be getting married in Jamaica on the 19th of February surrounded by a small group of our family. Surprisingly enough Moncton is now making a direct flight available which is amazing and is one less thing to worry about. I enjoy the thought that the only thing left is the dress. We've upgraded ourselves so that we will have the privacy of the deluxe wing (LOVELY) with a jacuzzi on our private balcony and our family is also in luck in getting ocean view rooms. Now if I can only keep myself from not burning until the day of the wedding we will be set. 

I've been trying to research being over weight and running but there isn't much out there right now. The only thing I've found honestly is to slowly increase the time over a half an hour. Run walk walk run...seems like a bit of a no brainer but I find myself leery of running because honestly....jiggle jiggle. I understand that I need to not give a flip of what other people think when it comes to me and my health and the steps I'm taking towards it but who in their right mind isn't wondering what everyone else is seeing/thinking. You'd be a fool to ignore it or lie about it. People watch me just like I watched the crazy lady in the crazy pant suit outfit. o_0

I know I know...I need to suck it up buttercup. Keith is always telling me that I need to use the feelings I have towards pushing myself harder, faster and longer but its hard. 

It's hard being a girl, let along a fat girl. 

Bloated and moving. 

Gillian

Blister

Blister #2 of the summer has now been healed. What a pain in the Booty.
New shoes perhaps this week thanks to a sale sportcheck.
Fingers crossed that they are the correct width.

Take it when you can

I've been walking at work during my lunch break.
Two perks - I get out of work for an hour and I get my exercise. Thankfully Jocelyn is sweet enough to go with me so it makes it go even faster.
I've also been trying to set my alarm to remind me to eat every two hours.
Water consumption is also good. Whoop whoop.

Wedding also booked.